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Kate Siegel

Quieting Your Inner Critic - a How-To

When was the last time something came along and fundamentally changed the way you thought about things? Give that question a minute - we operate on autopilot so much that the few times we wake up and really see things tend to be memorable.


For me, the first time was a million years ago when I was still acting and realized that I could choose to believe what I wanted about the world, especially if I was never going to know the truth. I remember waiting for an audition once and complaining about not getting parts when a fellow actor told me that I could choose to believe I wasn't getting parts because I wasn't pretty enough (which is what I was believing) or I could choose to believe I wasn't getting parts because the director cast his niece (or best friend, or the person the producer foisted on him, or whatever). "The way you look at things," he said, "impacts what you see."


I resisted the idea -- I wasn't getting parts, and believing that it was something outside of my control that was keeping me from getting parts wouldn't help make me better at getting parts. I wanted to believe that I could do something to get more parts. But I still believed it was because I wasn't pretty enough. So I was stuck and felt like crap. Yay!


I've had several other game-changing ahas since then, but the one that happened to me this February actually explains what was happening to me in my first one: inside all of us are inner critics, judges, and negative voices that are keeping us stuck in one small, narrow version of the "truth." In the practice of Positive Intelligence, we call those Saboteurs. Our Saboteurs developed when we were little, and they were there to protect us -- helping us stay away from pain and pushing us toward love and acceptance.


Two of my top Saboteurs were at work in my first story -- the Stickler, who believes I can be happy only when everything is perfect, and the Victim, who wants me to believe that the world is happening to me (and I have no power to do anything about it). And they were doing this amazingly intertwined dance, with the Stickler saying I had to be perfect to get parts, and the Victim saying I'll never be perfect, so poor me.


No wonder I was stuck! And, because I had these two negative voices in my head, I was always trying to give the "perfect" audition, which may have been the reason I wasn't getting parts in the first place.


Where's my time machine!?!?!


We all have Saboteurs. They're the voices that, no matter what they say, lead us to feel negative emotions - stress, fear, regret, shame, anger, you name it. But the good news is that we can do one very simple thing to combat these Saboteurs (and no, it's not yell at them - that's more negative energy). We can be present. Focus on a physical sensation. Be in your body. Try to find all ten of your toes. Really feel the air going in and out of your nose. Rub two fingertips together so you can feel the fingertip ridges on both fingers.


You don't have to do it for 90 minutes on a cushion in a quiet location. You can do it right now -- just pause reading and take a deep breath. (I just did!)


In Positive Intelligence (which is sometimes shortened to PQ, just like EQ and IQ), we call these PQ reps. In my six-week group coaching program (Quieting Your Inner Critic) you get access to a whole library of PQ reps - but check out two here. They're simple, peaceful, and easy to work into your day (unless you listen to your Saboteurs telling you how you couldn't possibly make that happen).


It's never too late to take control of your inner life. Why listen to these critics when you can have peace instead?



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