How many sleepy hedgehogs do you have?

In her insightful book on women's sexuality, Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski addresses the complex emotions that can develop between two people in a relationship over time - the hard feelings that drive us apart from each other. These can span the gamut, but are mostly negative, often dramatic, and are harder to get past as they pile up while we hoard resentments and harsh feelings.

If we have any hope of staying connected over time, we have to manage these feelings productively. We're directed by Nagoski to maintain our emotional center of gravity. You can do this, she explains, by “owning your feelings, listening to them and being responsive without being reactive, taking emotions seriously without taking them personally.” She's suggesting taking care of yourself before you expect any help from your partner. If you do this, you'll enter any emotional conversation knowing how you feel and maybe even what you need. (How much easier would that be?)

Instead of talking about these hard feelings as a stash of weapons or a history of pain, she refers to them as "sleepy hedgehogs" that have taken up residence all over your home.

Imagine it: you go to sit next to your partner on the sofa, but a prickly little hedgehog is sitting in your spot, so you sit somewhere else. Or you're exhausted and want to take a rest, but oops! There's a hedgehog in your bed. All these feelings are crowding out any connection or rest for you, both of which are critical for a successful relationship.

So what do you do about a house full of hedgehogs? Nagoski has some advice:

1) Name your hedgehog

Not Captain Jazzhands or Mr. Wiggles. Name the feeling. (Or, in some cases, feelings.) I've definitely had Loneliness, Not Good Enough, and Self-Critical lounging around my apartment, not to mention Anger/Shame and Hurt/Frustration. Labeling the feeling(s) can give you clarity about it, some distance from it, and less mental chaos as you navigate it. It also allows you to draw on times you've successfully gotten yourself through those feelings in the past.

2) Snuggle your hedgehog (or at least sit peacefully with it)

It may be tempting to fling that hedgehog across the room, out the window, or even at your partner. It may also be tempting to just sit on the hedgehog and pretend it's not there (though the quills in your butt will tell you otherwise). Also tempting is putting the hedgehog into a drawer and just ignoring it. All of these are options, but few of them will bring you closer to yourself or your partner.

If you can sit with your hedgehog, you can start to understand who it is and where it came from. You can let go of your resentments or anger about hedgehogs flopping all over your house.

3) Listen to its needs

You can ask each hedgehog why it's here, what it needs, and how you can help it. Knowing why an emotion is coming up for you can help you handle and manage that emotion. Knowing what you need to get through that emotion lets you take the first steps toward making peace (and makes it easier to address your partner with some needs rather than hoping they will figure out what you need before you do).

So, how many sleepy hedgehogs do you have? What are their names? What are their needs? And how can you help release them back into the wild so they're not clogging up the joint anymore?