How healthy are your boundaries?

Remember that New Year's resolution you made? How well are you maintaining the necessary boundaries around your time, money, or energy to keep making progress?

I've noticed in both my coaching and facilitating work that so many people - leaders and employees alike - are struggling to maintain healthy boundaries. Whether that's a physical boundary (like the vendor who sits too close) or, more often, a time boundary (never leaving at 6, even though you've promised your partner you'd be home for dinner), I see so many people worried about hurting others' feelings or letting others down that they sell themselves out on a regular basis.

This leads to burnout, people, so knock it off!

How do you know you need better boundaries? Here are some surefire signs:

• You neglect your own self-care (like showering, going to the gym, or taking a night off)

• You're overwhelmed by a long list of to-dos (that start to feel like can't-dos)

• You resent work, your boss, your spouse, family, or others

• You actively avoid anyone who might ask for something

• You regularly help other people and get nothing in return

• You dream about dropping everything and disappearing

• You have no time for yourself (and wouldn't even know what to do with it if you had it, in some cases)

• You take action that goes against your values

• You let others' opinions and feelings define you

• You believe others can fill your needs without having to communicate them

• And much, much more!

So what should you do if you experience something you read above?

First, review the seven different kinds of boundaries (at work - I've left off sexual boundaries because PLEASEOHPLEASEDON'TBEHAVINGSEXATWORK). These include:

• Physical boundaries

• Conversational boundaries

• Material boundaries

• Time boundaries

• Emotional boundaries

• Mental boundaries

• Internal boundaries

Then try to decide if your boundary is healthy, porous (meaning people are crossing it all the time), or rigid (meaning you hold your boundaries so tightly that you're missing out on good things in life). Let's look at what this means, boundary-by-boundary.

Physical

Porous – Letting others touch you when you don’t want to be touched; laughing uncomfortably at intimidation; disregarding your body’s discomfort signals; pretending you're not upset when you are

Rigid – Keeping everyone (even loved ones) at a distance; becoming angry when someone sits near you (even in normal social settings); refusing help or closeness even when you want it; blowing up when you're touched

Conversational

Porous – talking about things that make you uncomfortable; gossiping; oversharing/TMI, “no filter”; getting flooded and overwhelmed by talking; taking things personally

Rigid – only engaging in small talk; not revealing personal details; not taking in others’ ideas

Material

Porous – loaning or giving everything to everyone, even when you don’t want to or can’t afford to; accepting things returned in worse shape; giving money to people you know you shouldn’t; feeling ashamed to ask for repayment

Rigid – not giving anything to anyone; not accepting gifts or items for fear of obligated reciprocity

Time

Porous – working too many hours; taking on projects you don’t want or have time to do; helping someone who won’t reciprocate; trying to do everything for everyone; not dedicating any time for yourself; lack of self-care; saying you want something but not making time to get it; overscheduled, busy, tired

Rigid – refusing flexibility under any circumstances; not chipping in when you have extra time; not asking for help for fear of being asked in return;  being tightly scheduled and experiencing stress when inevitable changes come; treating any request as an intrusion

Emotional

Porous – taking on others’ problems and trying to solve them; people pleasing; lack of clarity around where I end and you begin; spending time with someone when you hate doing it; oversharing; overreliance on others; letting others take advantage of you and not speaking up; fear of rejection or disapproval

Rigid – holding others at a distance; preferring to go it alone; not giving second chances; not asking for help; listening to and counseling someone else but not sharing anything in return; feeling misunderstood and alone; dismissing others as “not my problem”

Mental

Porous – letting others define you; not standing up for what you believe in; accepting belittlement; becoming dependent on others’ feedback or instructions; allowing others to make decisions for you; changing your opinions based on who you’re with

Rigid – not taking others’ opinions in; not fitting in or being part of a group (or not wanting to fit in or be part of); defining yourself in terms of what you are not rather than what you are; needing to win every argument; dismissing curiosity or debate as pointless

Internal

Porous – saying you’ll do things for yourself and not doing them; taking in hurtful information without filters or consideration; letting out hurtful comments without filters

Rigid – not expressing any feelings; not taking in any feedback; being a taskmaster for yourself; holding others to extremely high expectations

Finally, once you've identified your porous and/or rigid boundaries, start thinking about what it would take to communicate your boundary more fully and effectively to others. (And stay tuned for my next post on that!)