The four C's of boundary communication

A boundary is only as good as your ability to communicate it effectively. And I don't know about you, but I love a good model to help me do something I find stressful. (Just see the STAR template for feedback if you don't believe me.)

So here are the four C's of effective boundary communication, essential for standing up for yourself when someone is about to cross a boundary, or repeatedly does so.

Let's start with clear:

It's really important to be clear about where, exactly, your boundary is drawn. What behavior is ok, and what's not ok? Because if you're wishy-washy about your boundary in your own head, it'll be harder to communicate and enforce it with others.

To help you with this, here are a couple of tools:

Complete these sentence starters:

1. People may not_____________.

Examples: Go through my belongings, tell me what to feel, treat me disrespectfully.

2. I have the right to ask for ____________.

Examples: Privacy, space, information about medication before taking it, support.

3. To protect my time and energy, it is ok to _____________.

Examples: Change my mind, put my phone down, say no, take a night off.

Write your own Personal Bill of Rights:

Think of all the things you would like to do but feel like you can't because it would upset or hurt someone else. How could you turn those into a personal Bill of Rights? (See some examples here, here, and here, but try to do it on your own before being influenced by the examples.)

Next, let's look at confident.

Confidence is crucial, but difficult, mostly because the people violating our boundaries are the ones most likely to be unhappy with us standing up for ourselves. To communicate confidently, we have to speak assertively, and not passively, aggressively, or passive-aggressively.

Imagine that you're with someone who is violating a physical boundary. Each of the columns below gives a few examples of what it might sound or look like if you were to communicate your boundary in the given style. (And yes, I know, you all call me "Touchy McTouchface" when I'm not looking.)

Passive	Aggressive	Passive-Aggressive	Assertive
I’m not comfortable asking for what I need so I’ll say nothing	I’ll do what it takes for you to know how you make me feel	I’ll act out my feelings but then deny them	I know my boundaries and will communicate them to you
Not saying anything	“Hey Touchy McTouchface, get your mitts off me!”	Sighing	“I’d rather have some space between us, so I’ll sit over here.”
Laughing it off	“You’re coming onto me just like you did with our coworker!”	“I’m not uncomfortable.  Who said I was uncomfortable?”	“I’m not big on touch at work – would you mind not touching me?”
Pretending it’s not happening	“I’m not a sex worker, you know.”	“No, it’s fine.”	“I don’t like having your hand on my arm.  Please stop.”
Quietly cringing	“Hey! You can’t touch me like that without taking me to dinner first!  Ha ha ha, just kidding.”	“I’m not surprised your boyfriend is cheating on you.”	“I’m not really comfortable touching this much and would prefer that you stop.”

Third is calm, which, if you're like me, is the hardest of the C's because the whole process makes you feel twitchy and uncomfortable. I promise, it gets easier with practice.

To stay calm, try to anticipate two things: what you'll likely feel, and how they'll likely react.

Common feelings when enforcing a boundary

• Guilt – “Am I being selfish?” (especially if you’re used to prioritizing others)

• Anxiety or fear – “Will they be mad? Will this damage the relationship?”

• Discomfort – It feels awkward to change the rules of an interaction

• Self-doubt – “Did I explain it well enough? Was I too harsh?”

• Sadness or grief – Letting go of how you wish the person would respond without you having to tell them

• Tension in the body – Tight chest, shallow breathing, that “brace yourself” feeling

  
  

Less common—but real—feelings

• Anger (often at yourself for not setting it sooner)

• Relief (sometimes delayed, sometimes immediate)

• Pride (usually quiet and later, not loud and instant)

Knowing what you'll likely feel can help you prepare for how to care for yourself in the moment that you're feeling it. For example, if you're likely to feel guilty, arm yourself with a reminder that (as I saw on Instagram) "I set boundaries not to offend you but to respect myself."

Common reactions to boundary-setting:

• Pushback: “I don’t know if I can do that.”

  • Possible Response: "Thank you for letting me know, however, I’m still moving this forward." or "I understand that you don’t like my boundary but I need to feel safe and having limits helps me feel safe."

• Limit testing: “I don’t have to listen to you.”

  • Possible Response: “When you don’t respect my boundaries I feel ____.” (Don’t explain your boundary so people can’t talk you out of it.)

• Ignoring: Doing what they want/ pretending not to understand

  • Possible Response: Restate your request and request that others repeat it back. Remind them that you'll need this in future situations, too.

• Rationalizing: "What’s the point of changing now?”

  • Possible Response: “This is what’s healthy for me.” (Saying too much puts you in a back-and-forth situation.)

• Defensiveness: “Why are you attacking me?”

  • Possible Response: Make it about you; use “I” statements. Talk about one issue at a time. “When you _____ I feel _____.” Don’t let it fester.

• Ghosting or Silent Treatment: ???

  • Possible Response: Mention the behavior in a note – people generally respond because they don’t want to appear upset when they are. If they stay distant, remember that their reaction was not about you; it was their interpretation of the situation.

(Read more suggestions in Nedra Tawwab's Set Boundaries, Find Peace.)

Finally, there are consequences. These don't have to be disasters or massively negative reactions, but you need to handle things differently when you've stated a boundary and it's been ignored or violated afterwards. Your consistency makes the difference, whether the other person is overstepping intentionally or unintentionally. You can't let it slide (and that, alone, is consequence enough).

Let's look at what this means. Let's say you've told your direct report not to give status updates without scheduling time first. Having a consequence means that when they come to you with unscheduled updates, you stop them, remind them about your previous request, and don't take the updates without a scheduled appointment. Not having a consequence would be sighing, getting annoyed, saying, "ok," and taking the updates when they’re provided, despite what you had previously asked for. The consequence isn't negative. It's a reinforcement of your previous statement.

Let's say this same direct report is having difficulty respecting this boundary and does it a second time. Personally, I'd give a second reminder but I'd also point out how I've already requested this twice, and we'll have to have a more formal conversation about it if it happens again. (A "more formal conversation" is usually all the consequence you need, but sometimes you have to get more creative and formal.)

There's a lot more to this than I can put in a blog post, so if you want help holding your boundaries and helping people stick to them, reach out and we can chat.