They Can't Meet Expectations You Don't Share

Many moons ago, I was leading a learning and development team that was part of HR. Our jobs were to get up in front of a room full of skeptical people and share leadership, communication, or interpersonal skills, and so, in my mind, we had to look the part. For as long as I had led them, my team had dressed fairly conservatively (for our industry, at least), and it was never an issue.

And then one day, one of my trainers came in wearing something that looked to me like a bathing suit. Don't get me wrong - she looked great! Trendy, sporty, sexy - it was a whole package. But it was totally wrong for our brand and for inspiring confidence in our ability to teach executive presence or to have difficult conversations.

So I pulled her aside and told her that I felt that her outfit, however great it was, wasn't right for our team, and could she cover up a bit? I told her that I wanted her to show gravitas and be able to lead challenging sessions -- I didn't want any snap judgments of others to get in her way. She totally understood, and it was a non-issue. Once I shared my expectations (and why), we were good.

(Now, on a meta-level, I'm aware of the secondary issues here: the judgments involved in telling someone else what is and isn't ok to wear, and the policing of women's bodies done by other women at work. I believe I handled both with respect and care, but it's entirely possible I botched the whole thing, and this is a terrible example. My evidence to the contrary is that she continued to work on the team for at least another year, and we parted amicably. But it's always possible that I'm mistaken.)

After that day, I always included an up-front, two-minute overview of what I expected trainers to wear and why. And I never had the issue again.

We all have expectations about how our direct reports should act, and most of them are based either on our expectations of ourselves or on ways past directs have acted (either meeting, exceeding, or totally missing our expectations). Our expectations aren't necessarily right or wrong, but they're usually based on our experience. Recognizing that you could be wrong (as I hope you saw me do above) can be powerful in building trust, so keep that in mind.

In my opinion, the kindest thing you can do as a leader is to share your expectations. There's a story Ken Blanchard tells about the first day of a college course, on which he told all the students what would be on the test. When other professors found out, they were flabbergasted! "Why would you do that?" they'd ask. And his response was simply that he wanted all the students to be able to get an A. And the only way to do that was to share with them what he expected them to know.

This document allows you to reflect on all of your expectations, whether or not they're being met. Give it a look to see if there's anything you haven't shared with your direct reports that could make it easier for them to meet your expectations.

Clarifying Your Expectations.pdf

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Now, what about the expectations you have of people outside of work? The idea is the same, but the dynamic is different. When you're the leader, there's positional power at play, and failing to meet your expectations may have financial consequences. Those dynamics aren't there when you're telling the guy you're dating that you expect to hear from him every day. But the expectation is still there! So what do you do?

It's in the phrasing. Instead of saying, "It's my expectation that we're in touch every day," you could say something like, "It would make me happy if we were in touch every day," or "I'm likely to get grumpy/worried/bummed if I don't hear from you every day." As you get closer and more confident in the relationship (like a good friend, family member, or partner), you can get more explicit AND collaborative: "I'm thinking we'll stop at my family's house on Thanksgiving but not spend the whole week there, but tell me what you're thinking and what works for you."

When people know what you want (which is the basis of your expectation), they can decide whether or not they can/want to give it to you. But if they don't know, it's way less likely that they will.