Six Tools for Keeping Conversations on Track

In every conversation, there is a WHAT and a HOW. The WHAT is the content, or the topics being discussed or decided in the conversation. (Where should we go for dinner? What are the next steps in the implementation project? Why were you reading my emails?) The HOW is the process of the conversation - the way the conversation unfolds and progresses. (Does it move quickly and jump all over the place? Does everyone who wants to say something have time to prepare what they want to say? Do we get off topic and go down too many rabbit holes?)

The success of your conversation depends on both the WHAT and the HOW -- you can have a great WHAT (the success of your last project, for example) in which the HOW goes off the rails (the way it's delivered makes the team feel defensive and excluded from ownership). The reverse can also be true: you can set out to give corrective feedback to an employee (challenging WHAT) and end up having a truly bonding conversation that may not have delivered the feedback but has you both feeling more committed to delivering great work.

(I have a parallel theory about dating - you may meet a totally great partner (WHAT), but if you like to move quickly to exclusivity and intimacy (HOW) and that partner wants to take it slowly, it's not going to work. Vice versa: you meet a mediocre partner who wants to move as slowly as you do, but over time, you find there's no connection. But this digression is for another post.)

The HOW encompasses things like the tone or climate of the WHAT (the emotional atmosphere in which the talk is taking place), the power dynamics (how authority or hierarchy impacts who "owns" the conversation), and nonverbal signals (how everyone communicates what they're really feeling, whether they know it or not). There are more fascinating aspects to the HOW, but the one I want to focus on here and provide you with tools to manage is Procedural Statements.

Procedural statements are AWESOME! But they also make you sound like a coach or an HR partner, and may not come trippingly off the tongue. The more you practice them and make them yours, however, the more natural they will sound and feel.

Slowing Down/Pausing/Stopping

Conversations, especially when almost everyone agrees, can start moving really quickly. And the more extroverts there are in the conversation (and the more D's and I's there are from the DiSC model), the more likely details are to be missed. Slowing down or pausing can ensure that a) everyone's had a chance to contribute, and b) we're all actually on the same page. You may feel pressure to keep moving or wrap up a topic before it's been fully explored, and slowing down or pausing allows you the space you need.

Pausing and stopping are also critical when emotions are running high. Whether they're your emotions or the other person's, taking a break or slowing things down can help those emotions breathe and subside a little before exploding. (And we often can't achieve our WHAT if too many emotions are clouding the field.)

This may sound like:

• "Let's pause for just a moment and make sure we're all on the same page."

• "I love the enthusiasm, but I'm worried we're going to miss something. Who can summarize what we've covered so far?"

• "This is getting heavy and I need a break. Can we come back to this in 15 minutes? (or this afternoon, or tomorrow?)"

Redirect/Refocus

When the conversation goes down a rabbit hole, goes around in circles, or otherwise pivots to something completely unrelated, you can use procedural statements to redirect or refocus the conversation.

These statements are particularly useful when you're bringing up corrective feedback to a defensive employee who wants to talk about anything but the feedback. I remember once having a discussion with a direct who was having a hard time getting in on time (and no problem leaving early). When I brought it up with her, she wanted to talk about how so-and-so got in late and it wasn't a problem, how my expectations are too high, how traffic is such a problem, and what the price of tea was in China. My job was to keep her focused on the topic at hand -- her attendance -- and I had to use all the procedural statements in the world just to keep us talking about the same thing.

This may sound like:

• "We're not here to talk about so-and-so, we're here to talk about you." (one of my favorite procedural statements of all time!)

• "We've gotten off topic, and I'd like to bring us back."

• "I'm not sure how we got to this point, but let's bring the conversation back to where we started."

Parking Lot/Pin/Circle Back

A tool we use in training when a great idea comes up that is totally off topic but worth exploring is the "parking lot." (Unlike the above examples, where the topics brought up have little relevance to the original WHAT.) The parking lot is a list where great (but tangential) ideas can get "parked" until we've finished the discussion on our current topic. You don't have to actually write them down, but I recommend that you do because human brains are cute and can get deeply sucked into whatever they want to focus on and forget what we said we'd come back to.

Using the parking lot successfully takes some real social awareness. I remember once being in an HR meeting where the senior leaders were in the room with the global head of HR, and the junior members were on the phone. We had veered from our original topic to something more urgent and important when a loud voice came over the phone (sounding painfully like my direct report), stating, "I think we've gone off topic here. Can we put this in the parking lot and get back to our original agenda?" I nearly died as the global head shot me a look, and I managed to squeak out that I had noted our original topic and we'd come back to it in due time.

So who decides when something gets put in the parking lot? Read the dynamics of the room and the organization to decide. If it's your meeting, I'm willing to say you have the authority to do it. If it's a conversation with just one other person, each of you can decide. If it's a larger group, I'd suggest reading the room and possibly sending a text to someone who might have more ownership of the agenda before blurting out that we've gotten off topic.

(I generally avoid the corporate speak-ness of the phrase "put a pin in this," but it's essentially the same idea, and you're welcome to use it if it works for you.)

This may sound like:

• "We're no longer talking about what's on the agenda. Which conversation should we add to the parking lot to come back to later?"

• "What you're bringing up is an important topic. Can we come back to it once we've finished this one?"

• "I think that's a conversation for our next meeting, once we've decided on what we were originally discussing. Would people like me to add it to the next agenda?"

Including More Voices

Many extroverts make the mistake of assuming that if people have something they want to say, they'll jump right in and say it. After living with my introverted husband for over a decade now, I know that's not true. I have to pause, slow down, and invite him to speak sometimes so he feels included and like he gets to have his say.

I do this regularly in training sessions, too. Some people (and you know who you are and you know I love you!) want to answer all my questions and share all their stories, while others need more prompting and prodding.

It doesn't matter whether you're on the shut-up or speak-up side: space needs to be made for all voices.

This may sound like:

• "Let's hear from someone who hasn't spoken yet."

• "I'd like to gut check this against the group - who has a different opinion?"

• "Let's go around the table so everyone gets a chance to be heard."

• "I want to pause for a moment to allow Michael his input."

Managing Time

How many meetings have you been in where you're already five minutes over time and you haven't gotten clear on the next steps before the meeting inevitably breaks up in chaos? Procedural statements help you manage time effectively to ensure you've covered what you planned to cover (or, if you haven't, that you've parked the items for more discussion in your next meeting agenda).

You don't have to wait for a meeting to run out of time before using these statements, either. By staying on top of time from the beginning, you just might get through all of your agenda items and end on time! (Imagine that!)

This may sound like:

• "We have ten minutes left. What's the most important thing to cover in that time?"

• "I'd like to spend only another two minutes on this, if that works for everyone."

• "I want to make sure we have time to cover the last agenda item, so let's put this conversation into the parking lot and pick it up again in our next meeting."

The more you use procedural statements as a tool for guiding and shaping the conversation (as opposed to a weapon for bossing people into having the conversation you want to have), the more likely you are to achieve the objectives in your agenda.

Agenda (not technically a procedural statement, but underpinning all of them)

Having an agenda (or at least some clarity around what you want to cover in the conversation or meeting) helps you use procedural statements more effectively because you have expectations to refer to. If you want to manage time more effectively, share an agenda. If you want to include more voices, share an agenda (so introverts know what's being covered and are prepared to discuss). If you want to effectively redirect or refocus (or use a parking lot), you need an agenda with the agreed-upon topics for this conversation.

Should you give an agenda to your partner, friend, or parents? Probably not. But coming into the conversation clear about what you want to discuss (e.g., "Hey mom, can we talk about what needs to be done to make sure you're ready for Thanksgiving?") will help keep the conversation more tightly focused.

What are some of your favorite procedural statements? Share them in the comments!