Listen Before You Solve

What happens to you when you've had a rough day, you sit down to process it with another person, and that person starts jumping in with suggestions, solutions, and fixes to your problems? If you're at all like me, your day just gets rougher.

Why is that? From the outside, this helpful advice is well-intended and meant to prevent similarly rough days in the future. And yet, it can leave you feeling cold, alone, and frustrated.

Jumping to problem-solving can indicate that you're not really listening, or you simply want the negativity you're experiencing to disappear. It can also indicate that there's a simple and clear solution to the problem you're experiencing, but, in fact, it doesn't matter how simple the solution is - if the person with the problem hasn't felt heard (and, some would argue, if it isn't a solution they come up with), it doesn't matter. Think about this - the last time you were venting and someone suggested a workable solution, were you too angry to consider it?

(As a side note, I used to call my mom about problems I had when I was acting, and she would often ask me if I had considered getting a "regular" job. I'd be furious when she suggested it and end the conversation abruptly. (Sorry, mom.) Not surprisingly, in the long run, it was terrific advice, but not something I could hear while I was still tied up in the trials and tribulations of being an actor. Once it became my idea? Boy was it brilliant!)

This terrific video, It's Not About the Nail, demonstrates the need to be heard first incredibly clearly:

But does this mean we should never offer solutions or suggestions? Absolutely not! (I mean, removing that nail really would help her sweaters.) But if we don't lead with empathy - with good listening, probing, and curious questions - it can feel like we don't fully understand the problem, and that will keep the sharer feeling like we don't care.

I was once complaining to my husband about our insurance company, which had been giving me the runaround for weeks. His response was that insurance companies are designed to give you the runaround and that I shouldn't let them get to me. Was he right? 100%! Did it help to ease my frustration or make me feel seen and heard? Not a bit.

So start with listening - and good, active listening, not just half-assed, passive listening. In their article What Great Listeners Actually Do, Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman describe active listening this way: "Good listening is much more than being silent while the other person talks. To the contrary, people perceive the best listeners to be those who periodically ask questions that promote discovery and insight."

And then move to empathy, showing that you're with the other person in their pain, frustration, or whatever feelings are showing up. That could sound like:

• "That sounds incredibly frustrating.”

• “I can hear how much this is bothering you.”

• “Can you help me understand what that was like for you?”

• “What part of that was the hardest for you?”

Watch out for making assumptions - "that's the worst thing you've ever experienced" or "they're all out to get you" - one-upping - "you think that's bad? Let me tell you about the time that I..." or "I know what that's like because when I was a little girl, I used to be..." - and emotional distancing - "At least..." or "It could be worse..." All of these masquerade as empathy but really put distance between you and the other person.

You may also benefit from checking out another post of mine, A Guide to Emotional Pep Talks or a quick chat with me to help you role-play how you could handle an upcoming situation.