Get your "but" out of my office

The other day, my older daughter was mad at my younger one because she told her to take her plate to the kitchen. "YOU'RE NOT MY PARENT!" she shouted. I intervened, we talked it out, and she agreed to apologize for yelling.

"Ellie," she said, "I'm sorry I yelled at you. But you're not my parent and you shouldn't tell me what to do."

I pulled her aside and said it was a good start AND, anytime you add a "but" to what you're saying, you're essentially striking out all the good you started with and only making the point of what comes after the "but."

As a conjunction, "but" typically indicates a contradiction ("I'm sorry, but you were wrong."), exception ("I like sisters, but not you"), or reversal ("I used to like you, but now I don't"). The more you use it - in writing or speaking - the more it sounds like you're doubling back on yourself.

For example:

"It's important to give feedback, but too much feedback is a problem."

"She's a good person, but what she did yesterday was questionable."

"I love it here, but it's so lonely."

"But" can be a problem for other reasons, too. It can cause defensiveness and/or negativity in the person you're speaking (or emailing) with, as any positives stated in the first phrase are wiped out by the reversal/contradiction/exception in the second. I get this a lot in the classroom when I'm teaching something that a participant (or several) find hard to grapple with. For example, I'll hear things like, "This is all well and good, but it won't work for our organization." Or, "This is great, but my manager isn't doing it." I appreciate the feedback and I hear the reversal/contradiction/exception and try to work with it, turning it into a conversation rather than a statement that encapsulates everything we're going to say about it.

This negativity or defensiveness is also why we recommend not using a feedback sandwich when giving feedback. (If you're not familiar with the term, it's when you sandwich your corrective feedback between two slices of praise, and it never tastes good.)

What can you do instead, especially when you're in a position of power or authority and people tend to take your word as the final word? Simply consider using "and" instead. It indicates that the two statements can be true at the same time, and it removes the implied correction of what was said in the first phrase.

For example:

"It's important to give feedback, and too much feedback is a problem."

"She's a good person, and what she did yesterday was questionable."

"I love it here and it's so lonely."

"And" creates space for both ideas to be right and for both parties to be right.

Do I think you have to remove the word "but" from your vocabulary? No, not necessarily. But I do encourage you to examine how often you use it. And with whom. And in what kinds of situations. And to what end.

(See what I did there?)