Navigating the ABCs of Stress

Last week, I had a day that was packed to the gills with meetings and each one had something I needed to produce as a result. That night I had to travel to a training location, and the following two days I was in all-day sessions, and I wouldn't be able to get to my computer until night time. When I put my kids to bed.

So I was feeling stressed.

Which was actually great, because it gave me an opportunity to use a tool I teach for helping manage stress: the ABCs of Stress.

It starts with the A, the Activating Event. This is the external thing that happens - a train delay, a sick kid, a fully-packed schedule, an angry client - in the world around you. Activating Events are unique to you; something that bothers me may not disturb you in the least.

In general, the Activating Event is just something that happens. As Hamlet says, "there is nothing / either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." And that's where the B comes in: Beliefs.

Beliefs are what you think the impact of the Activating Event will be. They're often driven by fear or your Saboteur and can be fairly catastrophic -- "I'll never get all this work done," "I'm going to fail," "I'm a bad mom," "They're going to take me off this client," etc. There may be some truth in the Belief - if you are an hour late to an interview, it could be hard to overcome that first impression once you get there, for example. But usually the Beliefs come fast and furious and feel 100% true, unless you take a step back. (More on that in a minute.)

Once you've had a chance to race through all the terrible Beliefs about what could happen, then come the Consequences. These are the feelings and actions that follow based on your Belief. They could be embarrassment, anger, overwhelm, disappointment, fear, anxiety, or any number of uncomfortable, stress-related feelings.

Often, we lump A, B, and C together as one thing. Stress. But if you can get in there and separate them a little, you may not have to suffer from stress-related consequences as much.

This part, I call interrogating or challenging the belief. When you hear the belief, you ask yourself, "Is it really true?" So, for example, if you hear (as I did), "I'll never get this work done," ask yourself, "Is it really true that I'll never get it done?" It may feel true. And even upon interrogation, it may still feel true. But if you can find a way - just one, tiny, possible way - that it might not be true, that can ratchet down the stress.

Let's look at a few more:

"I'm going to fail." ----> "Is it true that I'm going to FAIL? Or is it possible things might not go the way I want them to, which isn't the same thing?"

"I'm a bad mom." ---> "Is it true that I'm a bad mom? How are we defining bad mom? Does one incident make me a bad mom?"

"They're going to take me off this client." ---> "Is it true? It might be. But I've done so many good things for this client, they might let this one slide with some awkward conversations instead. I can live with that."

Challenging the Beliefs isn't always easy to do on your own, so it can be helpful to find a partner who can help you challenge them. Or you can call me. Because, as it turns out, I did get all that work done, just not on the schedule I wanted it done.