"What does a coach actually do?"

I'd like to get this question a lot more than I do.

Because if I did, I'd be able to tell people what happens in a coaching session, how it's different from therapy, and how it, too, can change people's lives.

So let me walk you through the process to demystify things.

First, you realize you have a need.

Maybe you're stuck at work, or in a relationship, or have a decision to make that you're not sure how to move forward. Whatever the need may be (as long as it's not something that truly requires a therapist or medical attention), we identify and specify what it is. So instead of feeling "stuck at work," you realize that you're struggling with a challenging boss, frustrated because you're barred from taking on new responsibilities, or annoyed that you're not getting ahead (meaning you want more money, a better title, or more responsibilities). This clarification is critical because it's easy to stay stuck when the need is vague, overwhelming, or feels unattainable.

Then we look at what you believe.

Often the biggest barrier to our forward movement is what we believe is possible -- what's true about ourselves, the world, and "how things are supposed to be." If you're feeling stuck at work, I might ask you about what work means to you, or what role it plays in your life (and what role you want it to play in your life). We might look backwards at your role models, and suss out how that's impacted what you think is possible for you. We spend some time exploring how you feel and what you think about your need, and looking for ways to unlock some new ways of seeing it.

(For what it's worth, this step is what differentiates me from a lot of other coaches, though not by any means all of them. I think it doesn't make much sense to go after a new goal while your mindset still thinks you're limited.)

We identify barriers

Sometimes these barriers are external -- a tough boss, a set of sub-par performance reviews, a partner who doesn't want you to change -- and sometimes they're internal -- the beliefs we talked about earlier.

For the internal barriers, I'll share a model that I think is incredible, from a book called Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine. The model looks at your inner critics, which it calls "saboteurs," and categorizes them into nine different types. (You can read more about the first five here and the second four here.) There's a great free assessment that you can take that helps you identify who's in your head so we can drill down on how they're holding you back.

Then we overcome barriers and make change

If you want a formal plan for your goals, we make one. If you want to lean into intentions more than goals, we do that, too. Whatever works for you is how we move forward. At the end of every call, we reflect on what you've learned about yourself and how you'll use that to take action toward the outcome you're seeking.

For example, if you want to get a new job but don't know what you want to do, we might agree that you'll scroll through your LinkedIn network and schedule calls with people who have interesting jobs or work at cool companies. Or we might agree that you should take another assessment or two to find out more about your strengths. While there's no set way I move things forward, there is always action and accountability -- because what else are you paying for?

But none of these answers the question of what I actually do.

I bring several skills to the table:

• Intention-setting: We will start each call with a clear goal or intention for the call. I will ask you something like "what do you want to get out of our time together today," so you can be clear on what you want, and I can be clear when we're sliding away from that end goal.

• Deep listening: I listen not just to what you say, but what you don't say. I listen for times you steer the conversation away from something. I listen to the words you use, the tone of your voice, and the speed at which you speak about something. I listen for energy (and lack thereof). I listen for contradictions.

• Observations: I will often play back to you what I'm hearing you say (which you might think would be annoying, but it turns out to be something my clients really appreciate). I will highlight your contradictions (lovingly) and I will point out what I'm hearing, both verbally and non-verbally. I rely on my gut, my experience with countless human beings during my lifetime, and my curiosity about motivations to make these observations. (And I tell my clients that, while I speak with conviction and it can be easy to assume what I'm saying is true because I sound so confident saying it, I'm often pulling things out of my butt and they shouldn't be taken as gospel.)

• Powerful questions: I will employ a variety of questions -- open-ended, closed-ended, statements that sound like questions, general "huh" noises, whatever -- to get you to keep reflecting on the issue.

• Squirrel removal: If you start going down a rabbit hole with a story I don't need to know the details of, I'll interrupt you, question the importance of the story, and redirect you to the original path.

So how is this different from therapy? For some therapists, it's not. But in my experience (of both coaching and therapy), there are a couple of main differences:

1) While dealing with present-day issues, therapy often looks backwards to find the original wound or core personality issues that are causing the stress, blockage, or anxiety. In coaching, I will spend a little time looking backwards to see where some of the beliefs you hold about yourself come from, but for the most part, we operate with a "given that" mentality -- given that your past happened to you and you are where you are, how do you want to move forward from here?

If, in the process of getting to know you, I find that your needs cause you pain or harm, or are out of my wheelhouse, I will ask you to pause coaching to work with another professional, like a therapist, lawyer, HR partner, or resume writer. As a Certified Professional Coach of the International Coaching Federation, it is my ethical obligation to know when I'm out of my depth, and I have paused with many clients over the years.

2) I'm not trying to fix you. In fact, I'm not trying to do anything that you don't want to do. In coaching, you call the shots. You decide where we focus. You say how deep we're going. I only push you when you say I can.

There is a standard belief among coaches that the client is naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. I use that perspective when working with my clients.

3) I'm not covered by insurance. (Which is a bummer.)

Has any of this sparked an interest? I believe that the match between coach and client is the key ingredient to success -- if you don't trust or like me, how are you possibly going to be real and get past your obstacles? So to that end, I always offer a free 30-minute coaching session before taking on a client. If we both think it's a good match, we move forward. But if either of us thinks it's not, we go our separate ways.

Why not give it a shot? All you have to lose is 30 minutes (and my guess is that you'll find at least one nugget in that time).