Want Trust? Start with Respect

I was working with a team recently on building respect and we discovered (unsurprisingly) that we didn't all define respect the same way. What was respectful to some -- say, giving all the background information on a project that a teammate was only marginally involved in -- was considered disrespectful to others -- "why would I waste his time with that?" 

There were more disagreements – for some, respect was about putting away your cellphone while someone was talking, and for others, that didn’t matter.  They knew the other person was listening.  And still others were offended when people were late (“and if you’re not early, you’re late”), while others took it more in stride.

So while everyone in the room agreed they could sense or feel active disrespect (which people generally agreed included interrupting, eye rolling, walking away mid-sentence, and other fabulous behaviors) clearly, active respect wasn't always so easy to spot, partly because it's part of their workday expectations, and partly because it's so ingrained in some people that they never consider not using it. Part of the reason respect was so easy with this team is that they've built boatloads of trust with each other -- there are teammates who have worked together for 20+ years! And part of it was because they've learned what's important to each team member and aimed to take that into consideration as they communicate.

Respect and trust are intricately entwined, and there's a great saying that reflects this: “Respect builds bridges; trust lets us cross them.”

With that in mind, think about someone you don't trust. Do you respect them?

I remember working with someone who was so driven by her own personal agenda that I didn't trust her - no matter what work I produced, there was a good chance she would take credit for it. So while there were things about her that I respected -- her drive, her ability to kiss up to the c-suite, her intense ability to self-promote -- I wasn't on board.

What could she have done to get me on board? A few things, but mainly, demonstrate respect for me. Share credit when it was due, show she cared about me (and my own agenda), and show kindness to me by including me and my expertise in the discussion.

There's a great model from Dr. Julie Pham called the 7 Forms of Respect that looks at a handful of ways we can demonstrate respect for someone. I share this because I had never considered that respect could be broken into categories, and I figured it would be helpful for others to see this, too. So here's an overview of the 7 Forms of Respect to help you decide which forms are most important to you, but also (and perhaps more critically?) which are more important for the people you're hoping to show respect to.

• Acknowledgement: This is about thanking people for their contributions. Using praise and recognizing what they bring to the group, the project, or the idea. It's also about acknowledging their requests, even if you can’t fulfill them. This may sound like:

  • "Thanks for your hard work today, it really made a difference."

  • "I appreciate how patient you are with me when I'm upset like this."

  • "I hear that you need to vent, and I want to help you but I’m about to walk into a meeting.  Can I call you back afterwards?”

    
    

• Attention: This is when we give another person 100% of our focus.  We listen attentively – not just to what is being said, but also what’s not being said.  We refer back to comments to indicate we heard, and pay attention to facial expressions and comment on them when we’re not clear.  To respect someone with attention, put away any distractions, and don’t interrupt (except to clear up misunderstandings). And definitely don’t multitask!  This may look or sound  like:

  • Turning over your phone during a face-to-face conversation

  • Pushing back from your desk and/or swiveling your chair to face the speaker

  • Focusing entirely on what the other person is saying or doing

• Candor: To respect someone with candor, ask about whatever it is they’re sharing with you.  Probe what they say, offer feedback, and bring up opposing viewpoints to make the idea stronger.  While this may sound like I’m saying “just tell it like it is,” and giving you carte blanche to be rude, I’m not.  The respect shown with candor is very similar to talking straight, but isn’t an excuse to be a jerk.  Similarly, candor is about addressing challenges and issues person-to-person, rather than talking about others behind their backs.  This may look or sound like:

  • “Tell me more about how you think this idea will work.”

  • “I’m not sure I agree, and here’s why…”

  • “In yesterday’s meeting, you did X and it had this impact…” (also known as STAR feedback)

  • “Here’s where your idea falls apart for me…”

    
    

• Consideration: When you anticipate someone else’s wants and needs, you are respecting them with consideration. It shows you’re paying attention to what they need and that you’re willing to provide it.  For some, respecting others with consideration means not bringing up difficult conversation topics, or, if they must be brought up, making sure they’re delivered with care (and privately!).  This may look or sound like:

  • Having on hand the kind of food or drink that a houseguest might want

  • Surprising someone with the perfect gift

  • “Can we schedule some time to talk privately? I’d like to share some feedback with you.”

    
    

• Information: Many people and organizations use information as currency or power, and, as a result, it gets hoarded.  Respecting someone with information means sharing access to data, intelligence, facts, context, or background, even when the other person may not need it. Often done in an effort to create transparent communication, it can involve inviting people to meetings in which they’ll have no role or including them in conversations, just so they can stay informed. It might sound or look like:

  • Full updates and background information without prompts. 

  • Scene setting or providing full context

  • “See below for more details if you’re interested in the whole picture.”

  • Including appendices at the end of a presentation or deck

    
    

• Procedure: Think about the people you know who want to follow the rules to a tee.  They likely respect the established rules and the process, and want to show their respect for others who follow the process by adhering to it 100%.  Part of this is about understanding how you and/or your team fits into a group or organization, reading instructions, and setting clear expectations of how you would like your requests to be fulfilled.  All of this creates clarity for others, which can help them respect the process, too.  This may look or sound like:

  • Fulfilling requests as they are asked of you

  • Going through the agenda and not skipping points

  • Using an HR process and strictly adhering to each required step

  
  

• Punctuality: This is about respecting other people’s time.  It means arriving on time (or early), and letting people know if you’ll be late or absent, even if nobody else will care.  Showing respect through punctuality means staying on schedule and ending things on time.  This may look or sound like:

  • “I know we still have a lot left to cover, but with only five minutes left, let’s focus on what we need to do now and what we can come back to at another time.”

  • “Just wanted to let you know I’m running late, but should be there before 5:15.”

  • “You’re someone I don’t want to waste time with—I mean that in a good way!”

For you, which form of respect is most important? Do you need to have (or show) them all? Does it change when you're at home vs. at work? I recommend spending some time considering this and sharing it with those you work with so they can tell you which ones are most important to them.

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