To Build Trust, Cut the Fluff

Brene Brown put it well: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”

I've experienced this firsthand: Many years ago, my boss gave me feedback that the participants in my class thought I was condescending. I asked her what she meant and if she had any examples, and she didn't.

So what could have been incredibly kind -- clueing me into something I was doing that was giving a condescending impression -- became something unkind. A vague sense that I was just generally condescending and that my boss agreed enough to think that the comment didn't need investigation or examples.

When we're looking to build trust and strengthen relationships with others, it's important to speak the truth clearly and directly. While this may seem obvious, there are ways you can subtly distort the truth - omitting details, selecting the facts you present, beating around the bush, sugarcoating, flattering - that don't feel quite on the level of lying, but also aren't completely honest.

In Steven M. R. Covey's book The Speed of Trust, he identifies talking straight as the number one (of thirteen) behaviors you can do to build trust with others. Since I'm working with several teams right now who have lost trust with each other, I'll be exploring all thirteen of the behaviors in upcoming posts (so stick around!) Covey describes this behavior as "telling the truth and leaving the right impression." It's about being honest, letting people know where you stand, having integrity, and using clear, simple language.

One of the places I see people struggle to talk straight is when they give feedback. Many leaders prefer to give a feedback sandwich - nestling the straight talk between two candy-coated pieces of praise - instead of addressing the undesirable performance directly (but with caring). Yes, we need to set up receptivity to the feedback we're going to deliver, but I think that can come from you believing that the feedback is meant to help the other person and letting that impact the way you deliver it. When you care about making the other person better, they can hear and feel that.

In her book, Radical Candor, Kim Scott talks about this behavior in a similar way, calling it "Care Personally and Challenge Directly." (This video is a great overview of Radical Candor, if you're interested.) The goal is to say something difficult while maintaining a solid investment in the other person's well-being as they receive it. This is where some people who are "just being honest" can go off the rails -- they overfocus on delivering the difficult news, and underfocus on the person who has to hear it. (When I teach feedback, I encourage leaders to start with care and noticing -- when you can see that someone is upset, that's not a great time for feedback and instead might be a good time for some empathetic listening.)

Interestingly enough, talking straight and extending trust go both ways -- it's hard to talk straight when you don't trust the other person, and it's hard to trust the other person if they don't talk straight. Patrick Lencioni, in his book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, notes that the fear of being vulnerable (Dysfunction 1) prevents team members from building trust with each other, and the fear of conflict (Dysfunction 2) stifles productive conversations and conflicts within the team, keeping members swirling.

But, as I mentioned above, talking straight isn't just about what you say; it's about leaving a congruent impression, one that's full of integrity and authenticity. This is about walking your own talk and sharing your thoughts, feelings, and rationale about the decisions you make.

So, now that you know more about the behavior (and have several books to refer to!) how are you doing with this behavior? Is it a strength of yours, or could you be better at it?

Either way, here are some questions to consider:

1. How do you know when you're talking straight and when you're not? Where do you feel it in your body? Having this physical cue can help you catch yourself when you're not paying close attention.

   
   

2. When you don't talk straight, what gets in the way or keeps you from talking straight? Knowing your obstacles (e.g., fear of hurting someone or wanting to be liked) can help you anticipate the need to talk straight (or for support with talking straight) when faced with those obstacles.

   
   

3. How is how much you talk related to the "straightness" of what you say? Sometimes we feel the need to expand or justify what we've shared in the face of resistance, and that can detract from the simplicity of the point we want to make.

   
   

If you need support on building trust - with yourself, your team, or others - reach out!