Drama-Free Boundary Communication

I've been working on a webinar about boundaries and how important it is to set boundaries both at work and at home. There are seven different kinds of boundaries I like to focus on, and they are:

1. Physical (controlling your privacy, personal space, and body)

2. Conversational (deciding if and when a topic is discussable and for how long)

3. Material (making your own monetary, financial, or stuff-related decisions)

4. Time (protecting the use and misuse of your time)

5. Emotional (choosing how emotionally available you are to others, how much of others’ energy you take on)

6. Mental (having your own thoughts, values, opinions, ideas, and dreams without being belittled or bullied)

7. Internal (managing your feelings, behaviors, and reactions, and deciding what you do with them)

Each comes with its own nuance, but a universal truth prevails: a boundary is no good unless you're able to communicate it.

So here are four keys to drama-free boundary communication.

1. Be Clear

First, identify the boundary by zeroing in on the undesirable behavior. "I need you to ask me before you go through my things" is more specific than "people need to leave my stuff alone" or "my stuff is my stuff." (While some people may understand your meaning in the second two phrases, many won't.)

Once you're clear on where your boundary is, clearly state your need or your limit. You'll phrase it the way that is most natural for you, but some starters include:

I don’t…  I expect…  I need…  I want…  I won’t…

I’d rather not….  I’m drawing the line at…    I’m not available for…  I’m not comfortable with ...  I’m not ok with…

I’ve decided not to…  It’s not ok with me that…  Please do not…  This doesn’t work for me.  This is not acceptable.

Once you've started, make sure to ask for what you need or want; don't just mention what you don't like. So, for example, I might say, "I'm not comfortable with the picture you just sent me. Please don't send me any others" or "I've decided not to drink tonight so please don't pressure me."

You'll notice that most of the starters begin with "I." Using I statements in your boundaries makes it clear that you're speaking for yourself and it makes it much harder for people to argue against you. ("What do you mean, you don't like swearing at work? Everybody likes that!")

And avoid the tendency to overexplain your boundary. Express it clearly and let it stand for itself. When you overexplain or overjustify, it can indicate that you don't believe your boundary is good enough and that it warrants further conversation. It doesn't.

2. Be Confident

“Setting boundaries is an advanced form of assertiveness," says Darlene Lancer in her book How to Speak Your Mind. "It involves risk and entails taking a position about who you are, what you’re willing to do or not do, and how you want to be treated and respected in your relationships.” This will be very hard to do if you are not confident that you deserve that respect, but I have a trick that may help.

Many years ago, I worked at a law firm and often had to call clients to remind them to pay their bills. I did it on behalf of the attorneys I worked for, and my calls were generally met with client embarrassment or confusion and rarely with aggression -- I wasn't the one charging them, after all.

However, when it came time to ask for payment of my own voiceover invoices, I was not as confident or comfortable, because this time I was the one charging them. I didn't want to be a pain in the butt, I wanted them to hire me again, I didn't want to be "difficult" - you get the picture. But I wanted the money that was owed to me. So I acted "as if." I pretended to be my own agent, calling on behalf of my voiceover client, Kate, whose invoice was now two months late. I mentioned it was my policy to call every two weeks until the invoice was paid. I took the personal out of it and made it transactional.

You can do this, too, if you feel like you want to enforce a boundary but you're scared of repercussions. Imagine that you're representing someone you love and respect, who you feel is worthy of the boundary. Getting this practice under your belt will start to show you that you, too, are worthy of the boundary.

3. Be Calm

Communicating your boundary while calm shows that you've considered it and taken it seriously, that it's not just an emotional reaction you're having in the moment. With that in mind, you may likely be triggered by the boundary-crossing behavior at the exact moment that you need to address it. That's why practicing communicating your boundaries when you're not being confronted can be so valuable. Find a trusted loved one and ask for their help in trying it out. (Giving them some context about the situation may be helpful.)

Once you've practiced, you'll have some familiar phrases in your back pocket that you can whip out less emotionally. You won't need to think up your whole response in the moment, which will give you some space and energy to focus on staying calm.

If you're challenged on the boundary, it's important to dig deep and resolve to stay calm. The calmer you stay, the more confident you come across, and the harder it is for the other person to challenge you.

Everyone is different, but some of the emotions you may face when advocating for your boundaries include guilt, fear, awkwardness, remorse, sadness, and even pride or empowerment. Anticipating your emotions can be helpful in regulating them in the moment. Also, coping with discomfort is part of the process of establishing your boundary. It makes you stronger in the process.

4. State Consequences

Depending on the person, you may need to state your boundary once and then restate it again and again (and again and again). Not everybody gets it the first time around, and not everybody wants to get it the first time around. But every time you allow a boundary to be crossed without stating consequences, you're teaching the other person that what you say about your boundaries doesn't actually matter.

Let me restate it: consistency is critical. If you tell your mom not to text you at work, then you can't respond to her workday message (even if it's a good one) until you leave. Because once mom gets that text, the boundary is cracked.

So what do I mean by stating consequences? Check out the table below.

No consequences	Consequences
Telling your direct report not to give status updates without scheduling time first, and then taking the updates whenever they’re provided	Kindly reminding your direct that you asked them to schedule time to do status updates and asking them to look for a free moment (which is not now)
Asking a new date not to call after midnight but answering the phone when they call at 1:00	Letting the call go to voicemail and then responding in the morning with a reminder that you asked them not to call past midnight
Telling a handsy vendor that you’ll end the meeting if he keeps touching you and letting that one arm touch with a “Oops! Sorry! I forgot!” comment pass	Saying, “I was serious about not touching me, and I’m ending this meeting.  We can continue on the phone tomorrow,” and walking out of the meeting.

It is possible to state consequences without being a jerk, but it may not feel that way to you. And that may be because you don't have practice. Or because of what you believe it means to set a boundary. Or because you're not acting "as if" yet.

The good news is that I can help. Join my Setting Boundaries webinar on June 17th or reach out for coaching support.