Why Generic Praise Falls Flat - and How to Make It Useful

I was talking to a girlfriend of mine the other day, and she mentioned that a guy she was dating was confusing her by praising her too much.

"It's weird," she said. "I like it, but after a while it doesn't feel like it's true, or at the very least, that it's not about me."

I asked what he was saying, and she said that he was basically just telling her that she was beautiful over and over again.

"I'd like that, too," I said, "but I think after a while, if it's not specific, it just loses its impact."

Generic praise falls flat because, while it feels good in the moment, it doesn’t actually communicate anything useful, personal, or credible. "You're so beautiful" could be about anyone. But "I love the way the corner of your lip curls up when you smile" proves that not only have you been looking at my smile and noticing it, but it's not a pat line that you've used with every other woman you've dated. (Or, if it is, you've gotten very good at schmoozing the ladies.)

While we may feel this more keenly in personal relationships (the first chapter of my therapist's book reminds us that we love people who make us feel good about ourselves), the performance aspect of positive feedback suffers at work, too, if our praise is too general. Saying “Great job!” or “Nice work!” doesn’t tell your employee what they did well, why it mattered, or what to do again in the future. Without specifics, the praise doesn’t stick. (And, if we're not careful, it can feel patronizing or superficial.)

Am I telling you to stop using praise? Absolutely not! As we know from the research done at the Gottman Institute, for a relationship to thrive, we need a ratio of five positive interactions to each negative interaction. Since many employees view corrective feedback as a "negative interaction," we have to make sure to pepper positive interactions throughout our workdays. These don't have to be big demonstrations or even monetary rewards: you just have to care about your people and show them that you care on a regular basis. You can do this by asking thoughtful questions, offering to get coffee together, or simply praising their new haircut.

Or, if you want to take things even deeper, you can offer positive feedback in one (or all!) of these three formats:

Praise (generic)

This is what we've been talking about above. While it's not great for changing behavior, it is great for creating positive interactions to keep your number up. Be careful about overusing this, though, because too much generic praise could feel disingenuous.

Positive Feedback (behavior driven)

As I've mentioned in feedback posts before, feedback that identifies the action that your employee did or did not take is more specific and more likely to drive the repeat of that (positive) behavior in the future.

Start by identifying what the employee did or did not do in a specific situation and then share the impact of that action. For example, "When we were meeting this morning, I appreciated how you kept everything on schedule. That got us through a lot of content in a short amount of time!" Or, "In the training yesterday, it was great how you spoke up so much and got others talking, too." By calling out the specific action (and its impact), you give the employee (or your loved one) a clear message about what you would be happy to see again in the future. It also shows you've been paying attention and that you like what you see.

Acknowledgment (personality driven)

This third type takes praise even deeper by clarifying the character trait or skill that the person used to get good results. Using the two examples above, you could change them to:

• "I really appreciated your efficiency and energy in keeping us on schedule this morning."

• "I'm so impressed by your openness in talking about challenging subjects."

Maybe the words and phrasing you'd use are a little different, and that's fine. But calling out the aspects of your employee's personality that were valuable makes them feel seen and heard on a totally different level.

Need help catching people doing something right and crafting useful feedback for them? Drop me a line, I can help!